Jacob's Introduction

This entry is long overdue, but the day was too wild, too entertaining, too eventful not to share. Teacher Jacob, the math and science teacher for P5-P7 is getting married! Three weeks ago he had his formal introduction to the bride’s family. Man, Ugandans know how to put on a show!

The all day affair started at 10:00 as we dawned our gomesi, traditional Buganda ladies’ wear. It took three Buganda women 20 minutes to dress each of the mzungus in these multi-layered rainbow dresses with shoulders that put 80s shoulder pads to shame. The men had it much easier with their white dresses called kanzus.

After we had all dressed and as I was pondering how I might pee wearing the gomesi, nine of us crammed into a van and drove to Teacher Jacob’s house. There we met a stressed-out teacher Jacob and his smart-looking family dressed in kanzus and electric rainbow colored gomesi.

As we waited for an hour or two for teacher Jacob to get dressed we were entertained in Luganda. First, his spokesman lobbied us for money, telling us that Jacob’s gifts for his future in-laws were too few. Next, as we waited for Jacob’s friends to extract the keys that they had locked into their running car, a Ugandan man with a guitar serenaded us. He had the most unique voice, very nasally, but somehow pleasant. He sang us what I thought was a happy children’s’ song, but was actually about how homosexuality is a sin.

Once the keys were extracted and our musical entertainment was worn out we boarded the cars and vans and moved the party to the bride-to-be’s house. After an hour an a half on a bumpy, unpaved road we emerged from the car with slightly droopier shoulder pads.

The ceremony itself was phenomenal, though I could not understand any of it. Each family had a professional spokesman, basically a comedian, who would make fun of each of the family members in Luganda as they appeared before the audience. It was like a 4-hour version of a Comedy Central’s roast, followed by TONS of Ugandan food.

At the end of the ceremony I got the Cliffs Notes version of what had gone on from Annet, the Hope School headmistress. She explained that almost all of it was a joke, but there were a few serious problems: First, Jacob’s gifts were not sufficient. With his teacher’s salary he could not afford the dowry of chickens, cooking oils, goats… that the bride’s family had required. Second, the bride’s father at the ceremony may have been a stand-in because the real father did not agree with the wedding. I have yet to find out if the man was actually the bride’s real father.

Tired and stuffed full of food, we made our way back home. We ran into a broken down truck in the middle of Ndejje road, and after trying three alternate routes, we finally made it back to Calm Guest House at 11:00 pm. The wedding is May 1 and I am looking forward to it! I’ll say it again, Ugandans know how to do ceremonies!